Tuesday, 2 June 2009

The Unpalatable Truth

I am not nice. Firstly, it is a wishy washy word with very little oomph (and, if I have anything going for me, it is my oomph!).

Secondly, it doesn't actually mean what people use it to mean, anyway. It means 'accurate'. Like, "Make a plumb line. Make sure it's a nice line." And, in that sense, I may well be nice. Especially when riled. I can be scathing, acidic, startlingly blunt and positively spiteful. My verbal skills make for an accurate weapon!

Thirdly, and most importantly, I am not actually nice. I have a very strong survival instinct, honed over several years of bad choices, which sometimes has an impetus of its own. Coupled with my lateral humour, that makes for someone who is easily capable of saying or doing appalling things (mostly saying, to be fair, but that has its own impact!).

I'd really like you to know, at this point, that I am a lot of fun. I have many friends who think I am worth the effort. I am witty; kind; thoughtful; persistent; inventive; amusing; clever; loyal.....the list of great things is endless - modesty aside. I am not, however, nice!

There are two sides to this. Most often my 'not nice'ness is exposed when someone takes advantage or tries to back me into a corner. Most people think that other people are like them. They assume that the things they fear are the common fears. Most people have a horror of public confrontation. I do not. I have more balls than a field of prize bulls and more brass than an Essex barmaid! I have absolutely no problem standing my ground, pushing the envelope or being real in a public space. So - if someone tries to control a situation by putting pressure on me in public, my immediate reaction is to respond "Yeah? Really? How much neck do you really have? Because I have a whoooooole lot of neck right here!". The reasoning is simple. People who will respond badly to how I behave are not people I want to mix with. So if I stand my ground and defy a manipulator, and someone feels I shouldn't be 'making a fuss'? Well - they have joined the wrong circle. I should probably not be friends with them. In this particular dance fire is met with flaming thunderbolts and rains of lava!

I will do almost anything for someone who is important to me. It makes me happy that people I care about are happy. I will seriously put myself out to play a part in creating that happiness. I will do whatever it takes, including letting them go, to allow them happiness. That makes me happier, knowing they are not bound by anything other than choice.

I will not be forced to do anything. I am likely to refuse at that fence - whether I wanted to help, initially, or not. I will give almost everything I have and I am. I will allow nothing to be taken from me.

The second, and more immediate, hue of my unpleasantness is situated in my selfishness. I like me. I think I deserve to be happy. I like simple happinesses. Interaction with people who matter. Play with friends. Attention. Quiet times. Just stuff which feeds the soul. Unfortunately, I can be so focused on my enjoyment that I overlook the consequences, or potential consequences, of my actions. Sometimes it just needs to be pointed out to me "You know? It hurts when you do that" or "It is bothersome when you..." or even "It would be easier for me if you might stop...." Sometimes I am so wrapped up in having fun that I don't think the damn thing out. It's not always nice.

Yesterday, I think I did that. I think I may have behaved in a way which was not very thoughtful. Unfortunately, for me, the person I may have mistreated is the one person I have met in the last 18 months who I like enough to want to find out if there might be something a bit more serious than 'fun' between us. Not to say we have got anywhere near considering that. Just that he is the one person I would consider taking the walk to find that out with, so far. He's pretty special and I think it's worth finding out if we could be pretty special to each other, at some point. Only, I behaved selfishly. I was so caught up in games which were giving me loads of attention and making me feel like the prettiest princess at the party, that I did not consider how those games might have impacted on him.

And now I feel pretty rubbish about that. The problem is, of course, that by the time you get to 'sorry' it's too damn late! You don't apologise for breaking a vase until it's broken.

I'm just not a very nice person, sometimes. And sometimes, I think it would all be much easier (if rather less interesting!) if I were.

1 comment:

  1. StarChild,

    My husband (The Real Mega Man) told me I needed to read your blog because of a 'situation' I got into on Facebook. I shall spare you the story, but the ending goes like this: I was proud of how I handled the situation, yet I was also very upset for quite some time. Why was I upset? Because I needed verified. I needed a pat on the back for showing such courage and tenacity. My nasty little (past)life was void of this, and actually had the other extreme: punishment for being my own person and saving myself and others from bully's and tyrants. In the end, the results after the elation passes, is a tremendous sense of isolation and abandonment (quite a different feeling than mere 'aloneness', which is very enjoyable). Anyway...

    Mega Man knew your blog would help me, and it has, for I see a kindred spirit...right down to not being afraid of a public confrontation. I will ALWAYS make a scene (if thoroughly provoked) in order to maintain my self respect, public be damned! Slay the dragon! Now!

    I needed to see these character/personality/individuality traits in another woman, as I have always stood alone in my battles/life. It has been good for me to see someone who has the same sense of self that I do. Who walks away from the robbers of their freedoms with more self-respect than regret (while everyone accuses you of being selfish, when they are the ones who are selfish - demanding you conform to their pettiness...while you asked for nothing but your right to pursue happiness, personal strength, and individuality).

    I also recognize the strength of your ties to those who remain 'true'. I deeply believe our lives are much richer than those who accuse us falsely; who describe us falsely; who punish us when they are the ones who are selfish and jealous.

    I bet you are rarely jealous of anyone, are you. Because, why the hell would you want to be anyone other than who you are? 'They' do not understand this...they do not have this...therefore they try to possess it (it's as close as they can get) - similar to wanting a big game trophy. they would like us stuffed, mounted, and hung on their walls so everyone can praise THEM.

    I could go on about these observations forever, but won't (Besides, you already know them).

    Though you gave no real details about your last few paragraphs (above), I just want to say something that I know to be true. Whatever you did, was not intentionally done to hurt or offend this person. And if this is the right person for you, it will all work itself out in its time. Everything will be OK.

    My life completely SUCKED until I was 45 - That is when I met Mega Man (through the internet, no less). He does not rob me of my personality...He helps me to BECOME. He is my best friend in this world.

    ...you will find your best friend and companion too - Perhaps you already have, and this 'vase' you have broken is simply a test that will draw you ever closer with trust, acceptance, understanding, and friendship. It's highly possible it is a magical 'vase'.

    Please do not beat yourself up for making a 'mistake', StarChild...it was meant to happen. You'll know why in the future, because you will not rest until you have your answers (ah, the butterfly side: flitting from colorful flower to colorful flower) and your true companion.

    Best wishes to you! You shall remain in my thoughts! It will all work out for you, I just know it!


    PS: You are a phenominal, earthy, sensitive, amusing, educational, colorful writer. Lovely.